Why Privacy Matters, the Tinfoil Hat Version

Hi. We're your new overlords.


Hi. We're Apple.


We are delighted to inform you that regulations require you to carry a device that:

a. Tells us where you are at all times;

b. Records who you talk with, and for how long;

c. Can be used to record exactly what you say, and the responses of other participants in these conversations;

d. Collects email and text messages sent by you and to you.

You will never be informed when this information is examined by anyone.

Buy a phone. It's cool.


You must tell us everything you do, no matter how trivial. Identify your friends and acquaintances, and how you know them. We expect you to check in with us at least several times a day, every day.


Install apps for Facebook, Twitter, and Foursquare.


Tell us everything you are curious about.


Install apps for Google and/or Bing.


Pay us, because tracking you and sorting through all the information you give us takes time and we need to pay people to do it. Additionally, we need to sell your data to advertisers, marketers, or possibly just hand it over to law enforcement regardless of whether or not they have any legal right to have it, and your data doesn't package itself. Your data is worth money, and you must pay us because we value your data. We value it so much that we will sell it, because that lets us make more money. So pay us. We need to continue watching you.


You will be charged a reasonable monthly fee for these services.

Thank you,

Your new overlords